Collection Development: Stepfamily Ties
By Douglas C. Lord -- Library Journal, 4/1/2009
In the late 1960s, the American nuclear family of Mom, Pop, and Kids began imploding. While the divorce rate among couples with children has stabilized over the last decade, statistics show no signs of a reversion to that long-idealized unit. Today between one-quarter and one-half of this country's children under 18 (about 20 million kids) live in a divorced, step-, or blended family situation. Forty-three percent of first marriages end in divorce; 65 percent of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage; and 60 percent of remarriages with kids end in divorce. To boot, more than nine million single mothers and about two million single fathers walk our fine streets, possibly entertaining the idea of remarriage.
Yet a Brady Bunch nation we are not for two reasons: 1) most stepfamilies don't have the luxury of a live-in cleaning lady like Alice, and 2) stepfamily configurations go beyond the classic two adults who are legally married (or cohabitating) to share in parenting children from earlier relationships (and/or share children together). Things get complex with noncustodial stepfamilies, i.e., those with children from multiple relationships, gay and lesbian parents, situations where adults "step" in after the death of a parent (the origin of the term stepparent), and adult stepfamilies (those comprised of people who remarry after their children are grown).
Some sources hold that stepfamilies outnumber nuclear ones in the United States; if that's not statistically true, it's simply a matter of time before the latter becomes the minority. However one terms them, blended, binuclear, multi-, and stepfamilies are here to stay.
Building a stepfamily...and a collection
This article focuses on resources for building successful stepfamilies and parenting children in stepfamily scenarios. While remarriage after divorce is the basis of most stepfamilies, divorced parenting differs from stepfamily parenting and is covered only peripherally here. (For more in-depth information on parenting and divorce, see Lord's "The Binuclear Family Boom," Collection Development, LJ 9/1/05; for a nuanced treatment of gay parenting, see Lynne Maxwell's "Building Rainbow Families," LJ 4/1/08.)
Worthy stepparenting titles emphasize the singularity of their subject, read: stepfamilies are not in any way like nuclear families, and forcing them into functioning as "one" won't work. Successful stepfamilies are quite intentional; it takes an enormous amount of finesse to balance an adult's sanity with the physical and psychological needs of children who are not biologically related. Issues common to any kind of parent-child relationship become magnified in stepfamilies, with discipline, anger, and finance commonly surfacing as hot-button topics.
Librarians will find a surprising bounty of decent works in print; no single one holds the title of "definitive," nor is there one go-to publisher or author. Most of the available resources cater to lay readers (as opposed to social workers, school counselors, etc.) and will fit nicely in public libraries and collections dedicated to the helping professions. Many of the best are written by real-life stepparents (thankfully, none yet from super-stepparents Brangelina).
Manuals featuring interviews with stepfamilies tend to offer particularly enlightening how-to advice. There is a niche market for stepmoms but not stepdads; an enterprising author could address that gap. Regarding the web, it's full of sites that charge money for information, so stick with print materials.
Weeding
Look twice at materials published before 2000, as these sometimes imply that postnuclear families are some sort of rarity or freak occurrence. Exceptions include Judy Corcoran and Julie A. Ross's Joint Custody with a Jerk (4th rev. ed. Griffin, 1996). Typical of a keeper, this guide encourages exes to stop negative behaviors, solve problems, and cooperate for the children's physical and psychological well-being. Additionally, Ericka Lutz's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting (Alpha, 1998) provides an entrée into many topics and is good for a starter collection. Books designated with a star [*] are essential.
In The Aftermath of Divorce
Favaro, Peter. Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: The Essential Guide to Making Divorce Easier on Your Child. McGraw-Hill. 2009. 256p. ISBN 978-0-07-159755-5. pap. $16.95.
* Pickhardt, Carl E. The Everything Parent's Guide to Children and Divorce. F&W Pub. 2006. 287p. index. ISBN 978-1-59337-418-1. pap. $14.95.
Reynolds, Lisa René. Still a Family: A Guide to Good Parenting Through Divorce. AMACOM: American Management Assn. 2009. 288p. bibliog. ISBN 978-0-8144-1296-1. pap. $16.95.
These three titles address a wide range of topics (e.g., communicating with and managing parenting time with exes, avoiding mistakes). Pickhardt explains divorce's effects on kids and cogently analyzes many topics, presenting particularly excellent support for divorcing parents. Favaro's quick, solid advice incorporates cognitive-behavioral techniques to cope with problems, while Reynolds's practical, sound how-to tackles the basics.
Coparenting with Your Ex
* Blackstone-Ford, Jann & Sharyl Jupe. Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. Chicago Review. 2004. 304p. ISBN 978-1-55652-551-3. pap. $16.95.
Using a Q&A format à la Emily Post, this provides clear advice on etiquette (e.g., What should stepkids call stepparents?). Simple politeness goes a long way toward reducing tension between adults. Two excellent subsequent titles by the authors cover weddings and holidays. (LJ 9/15/04)
Stahl, Philip Michael. Parenting After Divorce: Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs. 2d ed. Impact Pub. 2007. 194p. index. ISBN 978-1-886230-84-2. pap. $17.95.
Psychologist Stahl emphasizes effective and responsible postdivorce behavior to minimize damage to children. Shared parenting and the needs of different aged children are discussed. Plenty of "extreme" situations, like difficult exes, are included.(LJ 10/15/00)
Combined, Blended, & Step
Deal, Ron L. The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family. Bethany House. 2006. 272p. ISBN 978-0-7642-0159-2. pap. $13.99.
This nonjudgmental Christian book's notably helpful spirit will validate, support, and encourage readers. Deal focuses on prioritizing the marriage, recognizing pitfalls, and considering common stepparenting issues.
Einstein, Elizabeth & Linda Albert. Strengthening Your Stepfamily. Impact Pub. 2005. 261p. illus. index. ISBN 978-1-886230-62-0. pap. $17.95.
LeBey, Barbara. Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family. Bantam. 2004. 286p. bibliog. ISBN 978-0-553-80321-1 $25; pap. ISBN 978-0-553-38200-6. $13.
Einstein and Albert methodically discuss stepfamily issues, including properly grieving and leaving behind your first family and marital stability. LeBey encourages couples to prioritize their new union above all else, a strategy that allows for weathering the storms inherent in bringing unrelated people together. LeBey also shows via interviews how and why relationships fray and personalities clash. (Remarried with Children, LJ 10/15/04)
Gabe, Grace & Jean Lipman-Blumen. Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies. St. Martin's. 2004. 336p. index. ISBN 978-0-312-29099-3. $25.95.
This handbook for remarried couples with grown children includes hundreds of frank interviews with various family members demonstrating that such unions frequently catch children "off their emotional guard" and providing options and solutions.
Gillespie, Natalie Nichols. Stepfamily Success: Practical Solutions for Common Challenges. Revell. 2007. 248p. ISBN 978-0-8007-8755-4. pap. $5.99.
This wonderful book for a devout Christian audience furnishes advice aplenty on big issues: keeping things spicy in the new marriage, disciplining the kids, and dealing with the former spouse, schools, police, and courts.
Marsolini, Maxine. Blended Families: Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. Moody. 2000. 272p. ISBN 978-0-8024-3056-4. pap. $14.99.
Frequent, heartfelt prayers and scripture quotes buttress this Christian title that focuses on blending families. Marsolini's own experiences and anecdotes from others highlight readers' mistakes but stress how harmony came from them. Ideal for Christian support groups along with Blended Families Workbook (ISBN 978-1-4141-0181-1).
O'Connor, Anne. The Truth About Stepfamilies: Real American Stepfamilies Speak Out About What Works and What Doesn't When It Comes to Creating a Family Together. Da Capo. 2003. 288p. ISBN 978-1-56924-494-4. pap. $15.95.
O'Connor draws on her personal experience as a stepmother and interviews with stepfamilies to address hot-button issues. Her readable and insightful what-to-expect info outlines the typical developmental stages of stepfamilies and how many of them achieve peace. (LJ 9/1/03)
* Penton, John & Shona Welsh. Yours, Mine, and Hours: Relationship Skills for Blended Families. BookSurge Pub. 2007. 250p. ISBN 978-1-4196-6143-3. pap. $14.99.
Funny and direct, this gem advises readers to master three things: putting marriages first, accepting and dealing with the many challenges associated with blending, and communicating through inevitable discomfort. Convincing and upbeat.
Philips, Susan. Stepchildren Speak: 10 Grown-Up Stepchildren Teach Us How To Build Healthy Stepfamilies. AYWN Pubns. 2004. 179p. ISBN 978-1-893471-09-2. $14.95.
Here, adults who grew up as stepchildren get the chance to speak out. Though the people included are different from today's generation of stepkids, the book is useful for tracking the performance of stepparents in areas like authority and handling anger.
Taylor, Gordon & Carri Taylor. Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies: Bringing the Pieces to Peace. WinePress Pub. 2003. 128p. ISBN 978-1-57921-677-1. pap. $11.99.
This study guide for individuals and support groups includes communication basics, money and belongings, and relationship development. A tight focus on stepfamilies, not divorce issues, is a plus. The authors have a Christian version as well (ISBN 978-1-57921-676-4). DVD—study guide sets can be purchased at dynamicstepfamilies.notlong.com).
* Thomas, Shirley. Two Happy Homes: A Working Guide for Parents and Stepparents After Divorce and Remarriage. Springboard Pubns. 2005. 169p. bibliog. ISBN 978-0-9646378-0-1. pap. $14.95.
This walks readers through common issues and problems. Explanations of topics like new family dynamics and roles abound, as do numbered guidelines. Thoughtful and considerate of all family members.
Wisdom, Susan & Jennifer Green. Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family. Three Rivers: Crown. 2002. 260p. bibliog. index. ISBN 978-0-609-80741-5. pap. $13.95.
Calming, reasonable advice and Q&A focus on remarriage and encourage readers to address past and present issues to stay in top emotional health for the good of the entire stepfamily. Readers are reminded that many facets of themselves will need to be intentionally reformed when remarrying.
Stepparenting
Hayman, Suzie. Teach Yourself Successful Step-Parenting. McGraw-Hill. 2008. 256p. index. ISBN 978-0-07-158308-4. pap. $12.95.
McEvedy, Flora. The Step-Parent's Parachute: The Four Cornerstones to Good Step-Parenting. Little, Brown. 2005. 226p. ISBN 978-0-316-73029-7. pap. $19.95.
Hayman's encouraging, logically organized book covers the different interrelationships in blended families; case studies cheerfully illustrate points. McEvedy's title applies especially to new and prospective stepparents, as it acknowledges the jealous, competitive dynamics of stepfamilies and tackles teamwork and managing expectations. Both are solid, though note Hayman's British bent.
* Lofas, Jeannette. Stepparenting: Everything You Need To Know To Make It Work. rev. ed. Citadel: Kensington. 2004. 241p. ISBN 978-0-8065-2652-2. pap. $12.95.
Acknowledging the difficulty of a stepparent's role, this standout title guides readers through carefully forming a stepfamily, with straightforward coverage of the usual issues (e.g., etiquette, praising positive behavior).
Marsiglio, William. Stepdads: Stories of Love, Hope, and Repair. Rowman & Littlefield. 2004. 319p. bibliog. index. ISBN 978-0-7425-2673-0. $29.95; pap. ISBN 978-0-7425-4664-6. $22.95.
This heartening title skillfully connects themes common to the success stories of 36 men, revealing much about how they developed personally in becoming effective, caring stepfathers.
Popkin, Michael & Elizabeth Einstein. Active Parenting for Stepfamilies: For Parents and Stepparents. Active Parenting Pub. 2007. 237p. illus. ISBN 978-1-59723-201-2. pap. $14.95.
"Active" parents lead by example to instill five traits in children: courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect. The textbookish feel is consistent with the publisher's stable of books, videos, and other materials on parenting practices, including titles for teens and tweens. Another good resource for community support groups.
Women Working Together
Bjornsen, Sally. The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Stepmother with Humor and Grace. NAL: Penguin Group (USA). 2005. 256p. bibliog. ISBN 978-0-451-21419-5. pap. $14.
Fletcher, Jacquelyn B. A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom: Expert Advice from Other Stepmoms on How To Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids. HarperCollins. 2007. 332p. ISBN 978-0-06-084683-1. pap. $13.95.
Both of these titles show readers that good stepmommery takes energy, positivity, commitment, and a thick skin. Bjornsen chattily relates her story, occasionally drawing out broader truths. Contagiously cheerful, if a bit illogically organized, her book covers a lot of ground. Fletcher's excellent what-to-expect guide is perfect for women who were single with no kids before they married into stepchildren. Anecdotes and snippets from stepfamily experts are conversational yet illuminating. (The Single Girl's Guide, LJ 5/15/05; A Career Girl's Guide, LJ 4/15/07)
Newcomb, Jennifer Marine & Carol Marine. No One's the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers. Globe Pequot. May 2009. 256p. ISBN 978-0-7627-5093-1. pap. $16.95.
* Oxhorn-Ringwood, Lynne & Louise Oxhorn with Marjorie Vego Krausz. Stepwives: Ten Steps To Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First. Fireside: S. & S. 2002. 288p. bibliog. index. ISBN 978-0-7432-2246-4. pap. $13.
Here are two books that urge stepwives to partner, throwing in some parenting technique. The pioneering Oxhorns are stepwives (a biological mom and a stepmother, respectively) who champion putting children's needs first, engendering good conduct through partnership and empathy, and ending antagonism. Bitch is a worthy, energetic workbook that picks up the Oxhorns' lead. Chatty and funny, it provides useful ideas (e.g., make small offerings) and sound how-to (e.g., greet each other when the kids swap houses). Fill-in-the-blank sections pose a defacement risk, though the positive tone outweighs it. (Stepwives, LJ 4/15/02)
Rose, Izzy. The Package Deal: My (Not-So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. Three Rivers: Crown. May 2009. 288p. ISBN 978-0-307-45433-1. pap. $14.95.
This candid, optimistic memoir readably recounts Rose's journey from single San Franciscan to stepmother of two adolescent boys in Texas. Clear-eyed, funny observations complement 21 "rules of motherhood" (e.g., compromise but without sacrificing yourself) and show how real people blend.
| Author Information |
| Douglas C. Lord, an LSTA Coordinator at the Connecticut State Library, Middletown, has been reviewing psychology and parenting titles for LJ since 2000. Currently, he writes the monthly Books for Dudes column in LJ's electronic newsletter BookSmack! |
