IN THEIR OWN WORDS

Jackie Gosselar

My experience as a bisexual, nonbinary librarian has been, in a word, varied. I acknowledge the privilege that allowed me to pass as a straight, white woman in a field dominated by straight, white women through much of my career. Unexpectedly, it was the experience of an extended remote work schedule during the COVID-19 pandemic and being out of the public eye that prompted me to crystallize and articulate my experience as nonbinary. For me, it was an embrace of a lack of a performative gender identity, which was always present professionally. Even in my current role where I do feel welcomed by most of my coworkers, the intense workload precludes my desire and ability to foreground conversations about identity.

In my experience, relationships have played a crucial role in my comfort level with openness, and specifically with direct supervisors and colleagues with whom I work very closely. It is a combination of a welcoming environment on the institutional level as well as meaningful professional relationships that have primed my openness to being out. The most affirming relationships professionally are ones where I feel seen by my colleagues. For me, feeling seen is an intersection of respect and acknowledgement; the recognition that my experience of self and gender, including my use and style of language, may vary from social mores but is valid and need not be changed to suit others’ comfort. My experiences in community with other queer and nonbinary people have been foundational in how I communicate not only in my personal life, but in professional atmospheres as well. I believe being nonbinary brings depth and richness to my perspective, and I feel incredible expansiveness when colleagues provide the space for me to show up authentically.

Previously, I held some positions where I suppose you’d say I intentionally obfuscated my gender identity and played into the assumed trope of womanhood. It felt only like an approximation of who I was, and I felt the distance between how I was addressed and how I viewed myself. In others I brought my identity to the table selectively, coming out only to specific staff members due to a (perceived or actual) lack of institutional support. Coming out at work had a specific weight to it; it felt onerous and exposing. I was worried about invasive questions from my colleagues, knowing that even with sympathetic coworkers there might not be the community of shared experience. There was a level of nuance to the conversation that I was worried about needing to address. As so many others experience as well, coming out is rarely a one-time event, but more often a series of conversations and disclosures with varying degrees of pressure.

When I was in the interview process for my current role at the University of California, I was stepping into several advantages which empowered me to be more open about my gender identity. I was familiar with many people I would be working with because I had worked in the department previously in a different capacity. I made the decision to declare myself from the beginning, listing both of my pronouns on my CV (they/she). Undeniably, the fact that the interview was completely remote and with an institution which prides itself on acceptance played a significant role in my comfort level. Another factor which empowered me to step up is the fact that this role is managerial and highly visible on campus and in the UC system. I felt that bringing my entire, authentic, nuanced identity would help to set precedent. I want to be seen for who I am, and I hope that my actions may provide a more inclusive environment and make space for others to be open about their identities if they so desire.

Others’ mileage in their experience may vary, but it has been freeing for me to be out as nonbinary in this role. For example, last week I was proofreading meeting minutes after I co-led a presentation, and seeing the recorder use “they” for me gave me a wash of relief. I am always fine with “she,” but I definitely feel seen when others use “they” as well; I prefer it. I feel the space that coworkers make when I hear terms like “folks” instead of “ladies,” when I see “Mx.” instead of “Ms.,” when I see cis coworkers add their pronouns to their email signatures. I appreciate the effort and the space for nuance, and I hope that these changes start to become a habit where we can begin to strip away expectations of gender in language and habit and allow for space beyond the binary.

Elsworth Carman is Director of the Iowa City Public Library in Iowa City, IA. Jackie Gosselar is Systems and Discovery Services Librarian at the University of California, Berkeley.