Books for Dudes: Wedding Manual Labor
By Douglas Lord Jul 30, 2010It's not like we set a date or anything, but the long-term girlfriend and I have opened formal talks to move in together in about 14 months, at which time we will become Mr. and Mrs. Dude. Of course, being the particular kind of freaky hermit that I am, I ran for the books to help me wrap my head around the preamble and run-up to the ceremony and "The Day." I found out that there's a total overload of wedding books-for serious!
Since it's the second time around for both of us, we're being realistic. I figured a little research might be just the thing I need to approach this sucker with a minimum of fuss and bother to us and our friends. I'm thinking a lot of DIY, compromise, and push-the-fun-O-meter-into-the-red-type action. A nice local park; a big, happy cake; an ice cream cart; and a bounce house. Also, since Joe Strummer isn't available for hire, I'm going with a steel band. Who among us has ever felt sad around a steel band?
So this column is devoted to saving dudes time by pointing out what virtues to look for in nuptials guides. With so many choices, certain options are clear. First, avoid anything with high-gloss pictures of brides in soft focus. Second, steer clear of anything by an author whose name rhymes with Partha Blewart. Last, walk away from titles containing the words lavish, lush, or sumptuous. Those are simply code for "mountain of credit card debt." There are a lot of DIY wedding books. I admit, though, to letting my subscription to Bridal Guide lapse (times are tight, though I did keep Bass Angler's Guide), I dig the DIY trend.
Side note: Walking within three feet of these titles makes any other nearby book seem absolutely riveting. Stuff I wouldn't even look at twice prior to encountering the previously unexplored Wedding Book Zone drew me like a fiscal emergency to California. So for each premarital entry I've also included an alternate read-along as a distraction.
Arnot, Michael. GroomGroove.com Presents Don't Screw Up Your Bride's Wedding: A Groom's Guide to Surviving the Most Important Day of Your Wife's Life. Adams Media, dist. by F&W Media. 2009. 192p. ISBN 978-1-59869-597-7. pap. $9.95. ETIQUETTE
While it does not quite deliver the "do no harm" promised in the title, this is good. Gooooood even. Lawyer and founder of the titular dot.com, Arnot presents this wedding planner for boys that contains just enough quick topical coverage to make you look like you're involved and interested. Coverage includes a groom's specific tasks (e.g., arranging transportation, getting the license, and getting a terrible haircut four hours before the ceremony) and also shared tasks like mailing invitations and making the guest list. The "Dealing with Bridezilla" chapter is useful in and of itself. If you're pretty uninvolved with planning the whole nuptial thing, this will walk you through the basics. Do a good job at everything here, including "Lookin' Good on Weddin' Day," and you'll be A-OK.
Alternate Take: Jonathan Bousfield & Dan Richardson's The Rough Guide to Bulgaria 6. Not ready to get hitched? Run away to Bulgaria! In the southwest region, you might find employment in Belovo, "a frumpy-looking town which rejoices in being the toilet-paper capital of the Balkans." If you do run, brother, Bulgaria might not be far enough.
Blum, Marcy & Laura Fisher Kaiser. Wedding Planning For Dummies. 2d rev. ed. Wiley. 2004. 432p. ISBN 978-0-7645-5685-2. pap. $19.99. ETIQUETTE
This is your basic, predictable "For Dummies" title featuring the usual roundup of high-quality information. It's nice and thick, with just enough intel to one-step you through a garden-variety wedding. But, wait--garden variety? Basic? You don't want that. You want something special. No matter what you do--big, little, DIY, $50K, destination, backyard--it's a big day. Hopefully, a once in a lifetime day. So use this helpful guide to determine the essence of various elements about The Big Day When Fun Dies. Guest lists, venues, scheduling, the ceremony itself, the party/reception, the honeymoon, and pieces of the big components--music, food, décor, registries, and castration planning. After that, you should look into Simring, Simring, and Busnar's Making Marriage Work For Dummies so that you can avoid the rest of the titles in the "Life Happens" series: Ruth Westheimer and Pierre Lehu's Rekindling Romance For Dummies, Ventura and Reed's Divorce For Dummies (3rd), Goulston's Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder For Dummies, and Jack Kevorkian's Exit Strategy: How To Plan Your Own Funeral & Wake For Dummies.
Alternate Take: Sherri Haab's Beaded Macrame Jewelry: Stylish Designs, Exciting New Materials. Because the only thing more exciting than sitting down with your future wife to create a mutual guest list of loved ones and having every single one of your choices nixed is macrame'ing yourself a big, noose-shaped necklace.
Cameron, Barbara. Everything Weddings on a Budget: Plan the Wedding of Your Dreams-Without Going Bankrupt! 2d ed. Adams Media. 2008. 304p. ISBN 978-1-59869-418-5. pap. $9.95. ETIQUETTE
At first I thought it read "on a Badger," and I wondered at the astoundingness of niche markets. Anyway, this sorta guides readers through doing a wedding on a budget (duh, see the title there?). Eschewing frou-frou language and super-girly stuff, it's flush with practical information and uses "personal stories" (like those of Susan and Nick, who budgeted a "modest" amount for their wedding) to illustrate lessons. This is particularly useful at specking out the assorted fees and costs of the whole shebang; reception site, music, wedding cake, female strippers, blood tests (dude, why? Has anyone ever learned anything from a blood test that had an impact on the wedding?). There's a whole chapter on the food, with individual sections on cake and fondant (dude, I don't joke about fondant). Overall, you can do worse than this. A good companion title is Cameron's 101 Ways To Save Money on Your Wedding, which is less about planning and focuses (again, true to its title) on saving money by area, e.g., low-cost drinks, wedding dress, flowers, armaments, etc.
Alternate Take: A.D. Livingston's Jerky: Make Your Own Delicious Jerky and Jerky Dishes Using Beef, Venison, Fish, or Fowl. Sick of weddingizing? Take a break. Kill stuff. Dry it. Eat it.
Lenderman, Teddy. The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Wedding Illustrated. 5th ed. Alpha Bks. 2007. 272p. ISBN 978-1-59257-566-4. $22.95. ETIQUETTE
Hey, written just for me--I am a complete idiot (just ask the future Mrs. Dude). Let me tell you, this initially rubbed me the wrong way with too many "lovely bride" pictures and cringe-inducing phrases (e.g., "wedding bliss," "bridal shows") cropping up. The words pretty and beautiful seem ubiquitous (yeah, I used a big word. Right click on it). So while a little disturbing at first blush, this insightfully points out that the wedding business is an industry, one that is keenly interested in taking your hard-earned Benjamins. And on the whole, Lenderman encourages readers to keep costs realistic, not unnecessarily expensive and lavish. Overall, this title feels uninformative and picture heavy-- more for chicks than dudes.
Alternate Take: Robert Armstrong's Your First Powerboat: How To Find, Buy, and Enjoy the Best Boat for You. Shopping for a wedding is not unlike shopping for a nice boat: lots of options, pretty expensive. Take your time and do it right.
Lluch, Elizabeth & Alex Lluch. The Ultimate Wedding Planning Guide. 3d ed. Wedding Solutions Pub., dist. by National Book Network. 2007. 298p. ISBN 978-1-887169-86-8. $19.95. ETIQUETTE
Dudes want to steer clear of this one, which has about 25 glossy, flowery, pricey-looking (and yes, very beautiful) pictures of all those special options that you can't afford to get her before you even get to page 1. I mean, if your budget is Honda Accord (or in my case, Ford Fiesta), why look through the Lexus catalog? This screams high maintenance and me-me-me glam. Tabbed sections (stationary, bakery, music) are sectioned off into details, each with costs associated with that item. Prices quickly become meaningless. Costing out the ring bearer pillow? R U kidding? I'll slip it right out of its gumball-machine-dispensed plastic bubble. And yes, those $15-$100 gloves do '"add a nice touch" to the bridal gown, but that's not happening (not on my dress, anyway). Neither is a groom's cake, aisle pew flowers, or the Special Parent's Special Album of Special Wedding Photos. I'm not normally a fan of book burning, but this might be the exception.
Alternate Take: Wanna blow some coin? Tracy Gary's Inspired Philanthropy: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Creating a Giving Plan and Leaving a Legacy. Do something good with your money. Or not, if you believe Steven H. Goldberg's Billions of Drops in Millions of Buckets: Why Philanthropy Doesn't Advance Social Progress. Either way, let me know what you decide.
Naylor, Sharon. Your Wedding, Your Way: Break with Tradition and Create a One-of-a-Kind Celebration You'll Never Forget! Adams Media, dist. by F&W Media. 2009. 256p. ISBN 978-1-60550-104-8. pap. $12.95. ETIQUETTE
OK, I was suspicious of the Creamsicle-colored cover, but this is good stuff. If you're considering something untraditional (cool), thinking your whole wedding day will be untraditional (even cooler), or realizing you're a juggalo, you will find this to be a helpful and supportive work. Perhaps you don't want a limo; you want a dune buggy. Maybe instead of a waltz on the first dance, you want to headbang to Metallica (I've witnessed this). Well, that's OK--it's your day, and you can do what you want with no pressure from the grown-ups. The tips here range in complexity from relatively simple decisions (a three-tier cake instead of five) to multiple-component tweaks (e.g., a no-kids-allowed wedding; Bunny Hop vs. Chicken Dance) to major overhauls (e.g., incorporating several religious faiths into the service; zombie-themed weddings). Particularly helpful chapters include "Explaining Your Day to Vendors and Bridal Party Members" and one with tips for when you have to defend your decisions (e.g., head to head with the in-laws. Or Glenn Beck).
Alternate Take: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson, whose mom was a Louisville reference librarian. Break with tradition indeed.
Rung, Mark & Jennifer Lata Rung. The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Being a Groom. 3d ed. Alpha Bks. 2006. 224p. ISBN 978-1-59257-451-3. pap. $9.95. ETIQUETTE
I was an idiot, now I'm a pocket idiot? Same but smaller? Oh well, I'm still big in Japan. This is OK stuff: a primer that gives a lot of all-around goodness that dudes need to get through their wedding. Lacking nonsense (e.g., close-up photos of creamy rose arrangements; girl shoes that cost five bills), the contents encompass "the cast" (read: the best man and other honorary positions), prewedding events like booking a limo, and honeymoon planning. More general information like that featured in the robust "Communication Strategies" section will help dudes employ such practices as active listening, "I" messages, and the occasional back rub. The book also specks out the types of things couples usually register for, like dessert spoons, pillowcase sets, and a dozen or so blenders (sadly, a Cervelo P4 was not included, so I wrote one in on my copy). Chapter 12, "Going the Extra Mile," is particularly sly with advice to win over those supporting-cast chicks at the showers (e.g., help pack their VW Jettas full of crap and escort the old ladies to their huge cars).
Alternate Take: Glen Pitre's The Crawfish Book. Think "étouffée for the XY chromosomed." Catch some crawdads and cook 'em up. Even a pocket idiot can do it.
Shawne, Jennifer L. & Mary Lynn Blasutta. Instant Wedding Planner: Get from "Will You?" to "I Do" in Record Time! Chronicle. 2005. 148p. ISBN 978-0-8118-4854-1. $14.95. ETIQUETTE
I found this surprisingly useful despite the girl-friendly cover, which depicts an idealized bride ticking off items from her checklist. It's a functional workbook that serves as a "binder" with checklists, a place for info storage, and a repository for the endless amount of sticky notes she will doubtlessly generate in the process of reforming you from knuckle-walker to handsome groom. And handy guidance abounds, such as a calculator for the amount of booze needed and checklists for each prospective wedding location's pros and cons. It even has seating assignment charts so you can make sure Aunt Agatha doesn't sit next to Uncle Morty. On the whole, this is somewhat akin to a Leatherman tool; it's sound, practical, and wide-ranging, but it won't be the be-all, end-all for the total plan. That takes specialized tools. And a lot of Xanex. But for a simple mechanism that looks as if it will even fit into a normal-sized purse, what's not to like?
Alternate Take: T.L. Bonaddio's Stick It!: 99 DIY Duct Tape Projects. Leatherman, duct tape, instant wedding planner, they are all tools. A wedding is a project, just like a messenger bag made out of duct tape that you cut with your Leatherman snips. Have fun, kids.
Extra Credit: The Tough Guy Chronicles
Smith, Martin Cruz. Gorky Park. Ballantine. 2007. 384p. ISBN 978-0-8129-7724-0. pap. $13.95. FIC
I love tough-guy stories; I read them all the time, especially when I'm avoiding the topic of weddings. Er, my wedding. Gorky Park is the first novel of the Arkady Renko series, and it whomps you across the head with a combination of detective fiction and Soviet-era espionage. I came to it after reading Polar Star, Havana Bay, and Wolves Eat Dogs. Each (numbers two, four, and five in the series) is pretty masterful, and all have common elements of a tough-guy story: Our Hero (if he were a cowboy, his hat would be white) is up against it, he's got some innocent chick on the hook, and he doesn't know whom to trust. Renko has all that in spades, and GP immediately confronts readers with three mutilated corpses. Then the KGB arrives, so it's cool. Wait, they don't take the case? Well, jeez, OK then. Chief Investigator Renko starts with the normal procedural stuff like canvassing locals and digging into unsolved missing-persons files before settling on...audio tapes. Yeah! Audio tapes will solve the case! Or, wait, who's that older American guy? And why is he kicking the crap out of Renko? Things get WEIRDER, eventually amping up to a long-ass fever dream, all swamps and double crosses and murder and vodka. Plus, Renko is imprisoned on a farm, and there's a huge fire, and DUDE WTF IS GOING ON CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP AND EXPLAIN IT TO ME? And, suddenly, they're on Staten Island? Um, check please? Part Mr. Majestyk, part Soviet Spenser for Hire, Arkady Renko will punch your lights out and then share his vodka with you.
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