Parenting Short Takes: "Good" Girls, "Bad" Boys, and Left-Brainers

Stars for Anthony Rao, Gregory Keck, and Rachel Simmons

By Julianne J. Smith, Ypsilanti Dist. Lib., MI -- Library Journal, 08/18/2009

Death, divorce, curses, and a lack of sleep. One look at the titles below, and you would have to wonder if there is anything good going on in parenting. While the marketing technique of fear-mongering is alive and well, I have seen some good trends over the last year. Self-esteem, while important, is not the golden rule of parenting that it once was; the value of experiencing—versus preventing—childhood woes is becoming acceptable again. Solid gender-specific theory is also being published.

Of special note in this sophomore Short Takes (click here for the first) are Anthony Rao’s The Way of Boys and Rachel Simmons’s The Curse of the Good Girl. Both books will get heavy media play, and libraries should have copies shelf-ready by their release dates. Look for a third set of reviews next month on the trend of “simplicity parenting.”

Beals, Katharine. Raising a Left-Brain Child in a Right-Brain World: Strategies for Helping Bright, Quirky, Socially Awkward Children To Thrive at Home and at School. Trumpeter. Aug. 2009. 240p. ISBN 978-1-59030-650-5. pap. $16.95. CHILD REARING
Educator Beals wants to help left-brain children thrive. These bright, quirky, misunderstood kids who are shy, socially awkward, and oblivious to nonverbal communication are often submitted to psychological testing and medical diagnosis, as educators increasingly pathologize them under the assumption that lack of sociability is a problem. Beals especially laments the pervasive use of educational trends such as “Reform Math,” which takes a subject left-brainers usually excel at and leaves them lacking by attempting to make math a social activity. Her points are valid, yet she falls short when making concrete and realistic suggestions for revising curriculums to meet multiple learning styles.

Burrett, Jill & Michael Green. Shared Parenting: Raising Your Children Cooperatively After Separation. Celestial Arts: Ten Speed. Sept. 2009. 192p. ISBN 978-1-58761-346-3. pap. $15.95. CHILD REARING
Originally published in Australia (2006), this import seamlessly translates to American readers and is the ideal book for separated parents committed to coparenting. Psychologist Burrett and lawyer Green advocate for greater involvement by fathers and greater sharing by mothers, arguing that both genders are parents even if no longer partners. They warn against excessive scrutiny and help readers identify the fine line between communicating and intruding. In “Sorting Out Your Motives,” they present pointed questions for reflection, reminding readers that kids should not be saddled with diplomacy and loyalties. Children’s comments and those of separated parents are woven throughout. The Parenting Plans—some very detailed for those with contentious separations and some flexible for those able to share parenting with greater trust—are a big plus.

Goldman, Linda. Great Answers to Difficult Questions About Death: What Children Need To Know. Jessica Kingsley. Aug. 2009. 112p. ISBN 978-1-84905-805-6. pap. $14.95. CHILD REARING
Thanatology fellow and counselor Goldman (Children Also Grieve) presents a brief introduction to death discussions with young children by providing sample questions children typically ask after a death, followed by appropriate responses based on a child’s age. Questions range from the general (e.g., “What does dead mean?”) to the heartbreakingly specific (e.g., “Why do all the good people like my mom die young?”) and include sample responses; follow-up questions for further dialog; and suggested terms and explanations for things like tumors, suicide, and cremation. The author strongly advocates honesty in order to secure trust in children, who will have future questions throughout their lives at various life stages, as well as to alleviate egocentric “magical thinking” that children engage in when given insufficient information. This should be on the ready-reference shelf for anyone who works with children; it is brilliant in its honesty, sensitivity, and brevity.

Halsey, Claire. Ask an Expert: Answers Every Parent Needs To Know. DK. Aug. 2009. 256p. photogs. ISBN 978-0-7566-5147-3. pap. $22.95. CHILD REARING
Psychologist Halsey here answers common parenting questions divided into categories by age. Regretfully, the questions are extremely generic and aimed at first-time, slightly paranoid parents, ultimately feeling dumb and obvious (e.g., “What can I do about nosepicking?”; “Should I breast- or bottle-feed?”). Some are even misleading, such as dedicating an entire page to the question “Is my child a genius?” (which is probably best answered with “highly unlikely”). Instead, the author misleadingly states that “10-15 percent of children are usually placed in this category.” Decline this one-dish casserole despite the pretty presentation.

Keck, Gregory C. Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding and Appreciating Their Journeys. NavPress. 2009. c. 281p. ISBN 978-1-60006-281-0. pap. $17.99. CHILD REARING
Keck’s (Adopting the Hurt Child) valuable book is equally considerate of both children and parents. He ultimately reminds readers to be cognizant of what they can and cannot control in others and how those efforts should ultimately be approached within the context of nurturing a relationship at all costs. Presenting common difficulties, he examines them first within normal adolescent development, then outlines how adoption might require further insights or change a parent’s approach. Concise, empathetic, and encouraging, this is enthusiastically recommended for anyone with an adopted adolescent.

Kutscher, Martin L. & Marcella Moran. Organizing the Disorganized Child. HarperStudio. Aug. 2009. 176p. ISBN 978-0-06-179741-5. pap. $12. CHILD REARING
Pediatrician Kutscher and psychotherapist Moran believe disorganization stems from underdeveloped frontal lobes, which is a given in all children. Yet they think even the worst offenders can shape up. After beginning with a quiz to identify an “organizational style” (e.g., visual or chronological), they go on to recommend supplies, backpacks, and other accoutrements that will best support that child. The humor is cheesy, and this reviewer finds it unlikely that asking a boy “how he felt about the folder” will get a positive response. There is valuable material to glean, though: good note-taking methods and test-taking strategies. Still, some will view this help as obvious.

Percy, Bernard & others. How To Grow a Child: A Child’s Advice to Parents. Action Pub. 2009. 144p. photogs. ISBN 978-1-888045-24-6. $15.95. CHILD REARING
Educator/author Percy repackages his 1974 work coauthored with students from P.S. 289 in Brooklyn, NY. With introductory chapters by Percy and original coauthor Ann Arthur (now a pediatric ophthalmologist), the text includes child-penned advice on valuing their viewpoints and quotes or poems accompanied by poignant photographs. Pearls of wisdom abound, e.g., “I used to ask my mother things, and she told me to go ask my father. I would ask him, and he sent me to my mother. I never did get the answers, but I did get…dizzy.” Not a mandatory acquisition but ideal for the pediatrician’s waiting room.

Rao, Anthony. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World. William Morrow: HarperCollins. Sept. 2009. 304p. ISBN 978-0-06-170782-7. $25.99. CHILD REARING
Diagnosis: BOY. That might sum up this important work by veteran psychologist Rao. Viewing most “troublesome” behavior in young boys as developmental snags, Rao makes a strong case against the common trend of diagnosing and medicating (which doesn’t teach skills) instead of offering new behavioral approaches. Rao sees these behaviors as the equivalent of colds, not cancers, and that by diagnosing and medicating within the context of longer school days, more frequent and demanding homework, and less outdoor play, we are robbing boys of their normal developmental struggles. He presents his case with solid research, humor, and a strongly worded style that most educators need to hear. For example, he estimates that misdiagnosis in very young boys is around one-third or more, as nearly 90 percent of kids diagnosed with ADHD no longer meet the criteria by the time they reach young adulthood. Bravo, Rao. [See Prepub Alert, LJ 5/15/09.]

Simmons, Rachel. The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. Penguin Pr. Aug. 2009. c. 267p. ISBN 978-1-59420-218-6. $25.95. CHILD REARING
Simmons, the best-selling author of the acclaimed Odd Girl Out, offers another spot-on cultural critique, this time arguing that girls are developing external résumés but not conflict-resolution skills. As a result, they are ill-prepared in their personal relationships and for the workforce. Techniques such as crying and saying “sorry” to restore the status quo terminate meaningful conversation and become a substitute for honest conversation. “Good girls” grow into women who stagnate in middle management, doing the work of others to “be nice” or going the extra mile, but missing out on the out of office networking, where much professional advancement occurs. Buy in quantity; another huge contribution by Simmons.

Weissbluth, Marc. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins: A Step-by-Step Program for Sleep-Training Your Multiples. Ballantine. 2009. 192p. ISBN 978-0-345-49779-6. pap. $14. CHILD REARING
Weissbluth (Sleep Disorders Ctr., Children’s Memorial Hosp., Chicago) probably knows more about sleep than any pediatrician writing today. In his latest, he begins by cogently explaining the biological importance of adequate sleep and how it affects cognitive development and brain growth, clearly outlining sleep stages from six weeks to three–four years, including average hours and times of sleep. Readers learn about issues unique to twins, e.g., why fraternal twins are harder to sleep-train than identicals and why the adage “Never wake a sleeping baby” does not apply here. Weissbluth sensitively covers sleep-training methods such as extinction, addressing the common fear that letting babies cry harms them.

Zucker, Robert. The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief Is Shared. Griffin: St. Martin’s. Aug. 2009. 288p. ISBN 978-0-312-37414-3. pap. $14.95. CHILD REARING
In this tender and compassionate book, social worker and bereavement specialist Zucker helps parents and children explore their grief with practical advice for the ongoing journey to healing. He breaks grief down into three phases, emphasizing that bereavement is never really “over,” but only changes over time. He explains how children grieve differently than adults and outlines typical behaviors and concepts for various ages. Practical advice is offered on preparing children for funerals and dealing with family conflict following a death (it’s normal). He also stresses the importance of keeping memories alive, as second-tier losses (like unrealized relationships) are often greater than a death itself. He concludes with an excellent chapter on getting help and provides sample questions to ask potential counselors, not all of whom are qualified as bereavement specialists.